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"I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fibre, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."
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 In a vain attempt to find something amusing in the doldrums of the off-season I thought I would give my pre season rankings set to the movies of Kevin Costner. The beauty of Costner is a) he's made some really good films which is great for the top of the rankings; b) he's made some really bad films which is great for the bottom of the rankings; and c) he's made some under-appreciated moves which is great for the middle of the rankings.
And has anyone ever noticed that he only ever does the same 4 things in every movie? This guy has better range than Eddie House, baby!
On with the rankings:
1: LA Lakers - Dances with Wolves
Still the best Costner movie out there. Whether you like it or not, this movie sets the standard for all Costner movies. Until proven otherwise, so do the Lakers in the NBA. The crazy Maury Chakin role will be played by Ron Artest because no one has a clue what he's going to do!
2: Celtics - Bull Durham
 I love this movie. I love this team. The veteran comes in to help out the young talent. Although in the case of the Celtics, the veteran (KG/Sheed) comes in to help out the other veterans (Pierce/Allen). Easily the best baseball movie ever. Cs are easily #2.
And another Crash Davis quote just for Sheed -
"I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon."
3: Spurs - For Love of the Game
Tim Duncan is Billy Chapel. It doesn't matter who turns up in San Antonio, Timmy plays for love of the game. He'll need to be close to a perfect game to get past the Lakers in the West finals. As a movie, this doesn't deserve to be in the Costner top 10, but Timmy/Billy works for me...
4: Magic - Field of Dreams
"If you build it, he will come" The Magic are building are strong contender in the East. In this case, "he" is The Larry O'Brien.
Another strong entrant in the Costner movie stakes."
5: Nuggets - No Way Out
Costner is a US naval officer who turns out to be a Russian spy - anyone see that coming? This was a surprisingly good film by the (Sean?) young, up and coming Costner. The (not Sean) young Nuggets might just spring the same sort of surprise this season. With a little luck, they could even make the Western Finals.
6: Cavs - Mr. Brooks
Mr. Brooks lives his life with his alter-ego Marshall, who just happens to be a serial killer. Keeping Marshall in check and not giving in to the desire to kill is centre point of this movie. The ability of LBJ and Shaq to coexist will make fascinating NBA viewing this season. The big question - who is the killer and who is trying to keep whom in check?
7: Trail Blazers - The Untouchables
Costner could have won an Academy Award for earnestness in this very fine Brian de Palma film. An excellent supporting cast (De Niro, Andy Garcia and a supposedly Irish Sean Connery the highlights), but this was Costner's film. Look for Brandon Roy to play Elliot Ness in this one and leading a good team deep into the playoffs.
8: Mavericks - Tin Cup
 Just like Roy McAvoy, the Mavs keep going for the green and never seem to know when to quit. Unfortunately, just like Roy they're not quite good enough to win the big one - particularly in the talented and deep West. Jason Kidd is back for another go at it, but he's just collecting pay checks these days.
9: Hornets - Silverado
The role of the fun loving Jake in this entertaining Western was a bit of a break out for Costner. Chris Paul had his break out 2 seasons ago, but suffered a bit of a fall back to Earth last year. Paul and the Hornets will bounce back to their guntotin', gunshootin', trickridin' best this season and prove that their Silverado season was no ‘one season wonder'.
10: Jazz - A Perfect World
A better film than it is given credit for, a better team than it is given credit for. The aging tough guy Clint Eastwood directed and had a supporting role here. He coaxed a decent performance from Costner and made an interesting film about a guy on the road and on the run. The big difference with the Jazz is that their aging tough guy Jerry Sloan has a much greater leading role as well as trying to direct a team of limited talent who have struggled on the road in recent years.
11: Hawks - JFK
Oliver Stone films always leave me a little underwhelmed - they promise so much more than they deliver despite the talented casts assembled. Both JFK and Atlanta fit the bill here. ATL should be so much better than they are, yet come the pointy end of the season they disappoint.
 12: Heat - The Bodyguard
Is there any player in the NBA more in need of the services of Frank Farmer than D-Wade? Since Shaq was traded, he has been beaten, bashed, smashed, mashed and otherwise abused because he has no one around him who is going to provide any protection. He must watch the scene from the movie where Costner carries Whitney out of the nightclub and get all teary-eyed just thinking about Shaq.
13: Suns - Open Range
Another Western featuring a couple of old guys looking to just keep it going a little while longer. Sounds a lot like Phoenix this year to me. Nash has a little run left in his legs, but doesn't have the team around him that will be able to provide much help. Like all good Westerns, this team is ready to fade off into the sunset.
14: Bulls - Swing Vote
The only reason I saw this one was because I was on a plane. An okay cast, but doesn't everyone look a ways past their prime? Costner, Kelsey Grammar, Dennis Hopper? All had their glories, but this is not worth watching - ditto the Bulls, despite their great showing against the Celtics in the 1st round of the playoffs last season.
15: 76ers - The War
Philadelphia has not been relevant since the early 80s when Dr J and Moses Malone were the toast of the town. Before that you probably need to going back to The War.... of Independence, that is. Costner comes back from Vietnam, a pre-Frodo Elijah Wood is there, it's all a bit ho hum. Not actually bad enough to drop into the bottom third (just like the Sixers), not really relevant or entertaining (just like the Sixers), don't expect much from this film (or the Sixers).
16: Pistons - 3000 Miles to Graceland
Or possibly a metaphor for how far the Pistons have to go before they get back into the upper reaches of the East. A really good cast and a good plot idea that somehow failed to get off the ground. Joe Dumars needs to go back to drawing board on this one.
17: Rockets - Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves
 If you take away the horrible and fleeting attempts at an English accent, this is a pretty decent movie. Morgan Freeman does the wise older guy thing pretty well and Alan Rickman is a truly great villain. The Rockets have lost their guy with the horrible English accent and their best villain, and while T-Mac is growing into the role of wise older guy he's gone for a damn long time... and the supporting cast is not good enough to get it done.
18: Pacers - Night Shift
Costner is credited as Frat Boy 1 in this Henry Winkler/Michael Keaton classic comedy. His only scene was a party in the morgue which, coincidentally, it will seem like when the Pacers win a game this season. If the NBA was a movie, the Pacers would receive an unnamed credit like "Frat Boy 1".
19: Bobcats - In Bed With Madonna
So, after a Madonna concert Costner attended with his kids, he told Madonna that he thought the concert was "neat". She turned to the camera and mimed sticking her fingers down her throat. You might see the same gesture from people at Bobcats games this season...
20: Nets - Dragonfly
Something about a dead wife and some dragonflies and ghostly reappearances. The only way you'll see the Nets in the post-season will be in a ghostly reappearance, coz this team is close to dead and buried. The movie poster says "A Supernatural Shocker" - take out the word "Supernatural" and you have this year's Nets.
21: Bucks - 13 Days
A largely B-grade cast made a largely B-grade movie about the Cuban missile crisis. The Bucks have a few stars, but aren't likely to rise above B-grade status this year. They're likely to be like the movie, over long and short on real drama. The main problem with historical pieces is we all know what happens in the end, so too the Bucks.
22: Raptors - The Postman
An expensively assembled cast of thousands conspire to make an absolute clunker. The Postman or the Raptors season - you decide. Hedo Turkoglu is not the man to lead this franchise to the playoffs. I don't think I would have faith in him to lead me to the nearest Tim Hortons if he had a map and he was standing outside of the nearest Tim Hortons...
 23: Knicks - Waterworld
One of the most expensive flops in the history of a) the NBA; b) movies; c) both a & b. At least the Mariner could do some cool stuff, got to have vaguely mutant sex with Jeanne Tripplehorn and kicked Dennis Hopper's butt. Then again, he also drank his own urine which is a whole lot more like being a Knicks fan than having mutant sex with Jeanne Tripplehorn!
24: Minnesota - The Guardian
You know an actor has reached ‘that stage' in his career when he dies for the good of a younger actor ready to take his place. Minnesota is a team of Ashton Kutchers looking for their guardian, Kurt Rambis, to teach them the ways of the world and stick up for them when they get into fights with navy guys in bars. Kurt might well be the man to do it too. Or he'll fall to his death into the icy ocean from a helicopter..... Either one could be entertaining.
25: Grizzlies - Rumour Has It
The theory here is that Costner is the character seduced by Mrs. Robinson in the Graduate who then has sex with Mrs. Robinson's daughter. In this film he has sex with Mrs. Robinson's granddaughter which is an unholy version of the holy trinity I guess. An interesting idea, but a plot as likely as the Grizzlies winning anything at all in Memphis. Which former Canadian franchise blows worse - the Nationals or the Grizzlies?
26: Warriors - The Upside of Anger
I didn't get this film (call me shallow), but at least Costner got to be drunk through most of it. If you're a Warriors fan you might want to do the same thing this year.
27: Thunder - Message in a Bottle
The guy's wife dies, the guy offs himself at the end of the movie by which point no one really cares anymore. If the Thunder had any shred of decency they'd off themselves early and save us from having to watch them. Or at least move back to Seattle which might just be the same thing...
28: Wizards - Wyatt Earp
This film was sloooooooooooooooooow; suffered by comparison with the Kurt Russell film, Tombstone, which came out around the same time; and might have been palatable if it was an hour shorter. The Wizards are slooooooooooooow, suffer by comparison with just about every other team in the league and their season is around 70 games too long for anyone to have to sit through.
29: LA Clippers - Sizzle Beach, USA
This film was made in 1974 and released in 1986 when Costner was on his way to becoming a star. Maybe the NBA can release the 2009/2010 Clippers in 12 years when they might actually be worth watching.
 30: Kings - The Big Chill
Costner was the dead guy in this one. He filmed a number of scenes that were supposed to be shown in flashback, but they all ended up on the cutting room floor. The only ‘scene' he was in was the one in a body bag, which is pretty much where the Kings' season is going to end up.
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