Disclaimer: this was written by Rob (who writes here on the odd occasion as Brumbygg) - and thus it's from the perspective of a Celtics fan... bah-humbug!
Back in the never ending off-season I put together a pre season power rankings using the movies of Kevin Costner to rate each team (and ranks are noted in parenthises) before Rasheed Wallace had time to pick up his first T. I now bring you my Christmas rankings using classic Christmas movies to describe each team. And just for fun, in brackets after each ranking you'll find where I had the teams back in August. Happy reading, happy holidays, happy Channukah, happy Kwanzaa, happy Christmas, Happy New Year!
The quintessential classic Christmas movie, and who is more Grinch-like than Kobe?
You're a mean one, Kobe B You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, You're as charming as an eel. Kobe B.
You're a monster, Kobe B. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, You've got garlic in your soul. Kobe B. - I wouldn't touch you, with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole (unless you decided that playing for the Celtics and winning another championship was your lifelong dream...)
The best Christmas movie, the best villain, the incomparable Boris Karloff in the title role... a lot like the Lakers right now... sickening, ain't it?
This one has timeless classic written all over it. An old guy who may or may not be Santa Claus or a bunch of old guys who may or may not deliver #18 to Boston. Will the Celtics have the same staying power as this great movie?
3: Magic (4) - Bad Santa
The Magic don't really care what you think of them, but like this movie they are wildly unpredictable and entertaining and could end up at the top of the pile.
4: Hawks (11) - A Charlie Brown Christmas Charlie Brown searches for the true meaning of Christmas which is probably as elusive as the true meaning of the soaring Hawks. A Charlie Brown Christmas kept up championship pace for 35 years - can the Hawks keep it up into January?
5: Cavs (6) - Home Alone LeBron James is left home alone as the rest of his team take a vacation. Let's hope LBJ doesn't end up the same way as Mac...
6: Nuggets (5) - A Christmas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge is haunted by the ghosts of Christmas' Past, Present and Future. Melo and the Nuggets are haunted by the ghosts of playoffs past, present and future. Like Ebenezer, Melo has a huge monkey to get off his back. Kinda like the thought of Chauncey Billups as Tiny Tim though...
7: Mavs (8) - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer A slightly ridiculous looking reindeer is the lead in this long-running children's favourite. A slightly ridiculous looking European is the lead in this long-contending Texan favourite. Rudi and Dirk, still performing after all these years.
8: Suns (13) - Elf Thirty five years prior to the events of this season, an elf crawls into David Stern's jacket pocket at a "Let's Play in Canada Eh?" rally. Santa Stern unwittingly takes the baby back to the NBA, where it is decided that the Coach (Alvin Gentry) will raise him to play basketball. The baby, named Steve Nash, is raised unaware that he is actually an elf, until his tiny size and amazing passing abilities cause Coach to tell him the truth. Don't stop him now, Coach, that elf got game! A good outing for Will Ferrell, but he could do with some Nash-like consistency.
9: Rockets (17) - Scrooged Take the most classic Christmas tale, put a new edge to it and let Bill Murray loose - sounds like a bad idea, right? Take Yao Ming and T-Mac out for much of the season and let Trevor Ariza run loose - sounds like a bad idea, right? Somehow, both Scrooged and the Rockets managed to exceed all expectations and come up with something that was a whole lot better than we thought.
10: Jazz (10) - White Christmas The movie looks kind of dated and kitsch these days, but it never seems to go away, not unlike the Jazz. Danny Kaye died in 1987. If he were alive today he'd look like Jerry Sloan.
11: Spurs (3) - The Polar Express Climb aboard the Polar Express boys, coz you're on the fast train out of serious contention. Tom Hanks voiced 6 roles and was an executive producer on the movie. Mr. Longoria, R-Jeff and Flop Man had better step up and stop expecting Timmy D to do the same thing.
12: Blazers (7) - It's a Wonderful Life Jimmy Stewart gets the chance to see what life would be like in his town if he had never been born. The injured again Greg Oden might be seeing the same thing with the Blazers.
13: Heat (12) - Home Alone 2 Like LBJ, D-Wade needs some help. Not as good as the first film, but still worth a few laughs. Ditto the comparison between the Cavs/LBJ and the Heat/D-Wade.
14: Thunder (27) - The Santa Clause Apart from a couple of classics Buzz Lightyear performances, Tim Allen hasn't exactly been Mr. Box Office. So no one would have predicted that The Santa Clause would bring in $189 million worldwide. I'm pretty sure that no one predicted that OKC would be sitting around .500 this far into the season. Not that I'd be too excited if I was an OKC fan though, Allen went on to make the Santa Clause 3 and Christmas With the Kranks...
15: Hornets (9) - The Muppet Christmas Carol The incomparable Michael Caine and a bunch of muppets or the incomparable CP3 and a bunch of muppets?
16: Clippers (29) - Mixed Nuts Christmas at a crisis hotline centre with a well-known cast of nuts. No, I'm describing the movie, not the Clips! Didn't do so well at the box office and not well received by the critics. Movie or Clips - you decide.
17: Grizzlies (25) - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation The Grizzlies are a lot like this movie - better than expected, and a decent cast without any big names. Entertaining movie and the Grizzlies are playing some entertaining ball. They gave the Celtics all they could handle recently.
18: Kings (30) - The Man Who Saved Christmas The Man Who Saved Christmas is a film based on the true story about the efforts of toymaker Alfred Carlton Gilbert of the A. C. Gilbert Company to continue making toys during World War I. Tyreke Evans might just be the man who saved the Kings.
19: Pistons (16) - Jingle All The Way Arnie - Conan, The Terminator, Predator, Total Recall, True Lies... Jingle All the Way
The Detroit Pistons - NBA champs, NBA runners-up, NBA conference runners-up, 1st round losers... and the 2009/2010 team. Ewww.
A pretty talented cast that really didn't deliver a whole lot. You can apply this to both the movie and the Bucks. Still, Bogut and Jennings give the Bucks a little bit of Christmas hope - unlike the movie which prompted one critic to say "it's not worth working up a good hate over".
Hey, remember when Vince Vaughn made cool movies like Swingers, Old School, Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers? Remember when Chris Bosh played for a team that had a chance in the play-offs?
Dickens' classic tale makes the list yet again. The Bulls used to be a classic tale, now they're a bunch of looney tunes. Leading 79-44 with 8:50 left in the 3rd quarter they manage to lose to the Kings by 4 - now that's Daffy!
On Christmas Eve of 2005, the Mason family is enjoying Christmas dinner when Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg) comes down the chimney and kills them all, including their dog (linked above for your viewing pleasure). With the exception of a good win against the Celtics last week, this pretty much sums up the Sixers' season.
Hey, remember when Vince Vaughn made cool movies like Swingers, Old School, Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers? Remember when the Pacers didn't suck and you could at least count on some players to fight with the crowd?
Gilbert Arenas isn't LBJ or D-Wade. This film sucks, and despite what Flip Saunders thinks ("Over the last couple of weeks we've been playing pretty good") so do the Wizards.
This movie portrayed Santa as a slasher and many condemned it and tried to have it banned. There are people in Minnesota who are doing the same for the T-Wolves.
30: Nets (20) - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Most likely the worst Christmas film ever. Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents. Still, would you rather watch 81 minutes of movie crap or go to a Nets game and see 48 minutes of crap? At least the movie is so bad you can laugh at it. The Nets are too awful to even raise a chuckle. Check out this...
And if you are a real glutton for punishment catch the next Nets game on TV or watch the whole movie on youtube.
Well, that's it. And a Merry Christmas to one and all!
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The Bloguin Network allows advertisers to promote their products and services to our ever-growing number of visitors. We offer both site-specific ad placements as well as the ability to run a network-wide campaign. If you're interested in working with Bloguin to meet your advertising needs, please contact us.
The Bloguin Network is always looking to expand. We're specifically looking for blogs in the sports, entertainment, and video games field, but are open to adding any type of quality site. If you're a blogger and interested in joining our network, please fill out our application form.
The Bloguin Login gives you full access to everything our network has to offer. Your name and password will work for each and every one of our sites. Signing up is simple, and will allow you to post in all our forums, create member blogs, and access other cool features! What are you waiting for? Create an Account! 