| 13 April 2010
I'll start this rankings with a caveat: these are based on what I think they'll do early in the playoffs, plus assessment on those who won't get there. And for the last one, I thought I'd do famoushistory/myth/popular culture and society as analogies for where these teams find themselves.
Without further ado...
NBA Power Rankings
1. Cleveland Cavaliers (same) - Linda Lovelace. Historically, has choked on the big ones.
2. Orlando Magic (up 1) - A child. Capable of anything, and potential is sky high and could go anywhere. Does struggle when the big, bad bogeyman gets in his head. Sooner or later, Dwight has to shake that.
3. LA Lakers (down 1) - Lazarus. Beyond the first two letters, the allusion is clear: come playoffs, you'll see a new team... I hope.
4. Dallas Mavericks (up 5) - Jim Bowie. Famous gunslinger in Texas who met his end at the Alamo.
5. Utah Jazz (same) - Deliverance (the entire movie). This fits. Just look at them. Right down to Deron Williams being the city-slicker who's not sure if he should even be out in the woods.
Can't you just picture Carlos Boozer saying "I bet you can squeal like a pig. SQUEEEEEEE!"?
Going to make a few Western Conference rivals cringe.
6. San Antonio Spurs (up 7) - Davey Crockett. Tenacious defender at the Alamo. Strong at home, but injuries could play the final tale.
7. Atlanta Hawks (down 1) - Buddha. Awesome stuff, love the concept... but I'm just not a believer.
8. Boston Celtics (up 2) - The movie Cocoon. Cocoon is a 1985 science fiction film directed by Ron Howard about a group of elderly people who are rejuvenated by aliens. 
Cocoon 2010 is modern day drama directed by Doc Rivers about a group of elderly people desperately hoping to be rejuvenated by aliens, HGH or Red Bull.
Cocoon 2010 is modern day drama directed by Doc Rivers about a group of elderly people desperately hoping to be rejuvenated by aliens, HGH or Red Bull.9. Denver Nuggets (down 5) - John Henry. Great effort, powerful and awesome... but just ran out of steam.
10. OKC Thunder (down 2) - AC/DC. Intent on making some noise.
11. Phoenix Suns (same) - Julius Caesar. Lead a great attack, but really should have been focusing on defense.
12. Portland Trail Blazers (same) - Frankenstein's monster. Nothing but bits and pieces put together and still somehow scaring the crap outta people...
13. Charlotte Bobcats (up 1) - David. A one time king of Israel. Had a nice knack of doing well as the underdog.
14. Miami Heat (up 2) - MacGyver. One man trying to hold it all together with some tape, a rubber band, three sticks and some chewing gum.
15. Milwaukee Bucks (down 8) - King Kong. It ends when the big ape goes down in a heap.
16. Chicago Bulls (up 4) - Sam Neill in Jurassic Park. Intent on beating the raptors.
17. Indiana Pacers (up 2) - King Pyrrhus of Epirus. Simply winning when not would serve better.
18. Houston Rockets (same) - Kim Jong Il (Dear Leader). Sees himself as a world power, but in reality is reliant on Big China.
19. New Orleans Hornets (down 2) - Mars Rover. Not that long ago, everyone was so excited about it and then the truth came out... nothing is actually there. 20. Toronto Raptors (up 1) - The movie Weekend at Bernie's. Starring Hedo Turkoglu in the title role.
21. Memphis Grizzlies (down 6) - Y2K Bug. For a split second, people were fearing the worst, and then nothing actually happened.
22. LA Clippers (up 2) - Robin (as in "Batman & ..."). No matter what, you'll always be the sidekick. Even if you get a semi-cool cartoon, you'll still be that guy who gets the "isn't he the lil' guy who works with...?".
23. New York Knicks (same) - TV Show: Welcome Back Kotter. Blurb reads: "The Sweat-hogs are a group of under-achieving misfits in a New York high school..." - take out "a high school" and does it remind you of anyone? Starring Gabe Kaplan as Mike D'Antoni...
Ok, this could be an awesome remake. But only time will tell if the Knicks are Travolta, or Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington).
24. Sacramento Kings (down 2) - Marty McFly. Looking back to the future.
25. Golden State Warriors (up 2) - Loch Ness. Nothing here but a rumor of Nellie (ok... that's unfair on Stephen Curry).
26. Philadelphia 76ers (down 1) - The Vampire Lestat. Just sucks.
27. Detroit Pistons (down 1) - The 1990 SF 49ers. Looking for Joe to save them.
28. Washington Wizards (same) - Captain Edward Smith. Captained the Titanic.
29. New Jersey Nets (up 1) - Miley Cyrus: currently pretty damn bad, but could be big down the road sometime... this might be the most controversial ranking I've done this year... but the reality is they have a much clearer path to improvement post this season than the hapless Timberwolves.
30. Minnesota Timberwolves (down 1) - Single cell amoeba. Lots of growth opportunities.
If you don't get the analogy for one of the comments, just say and I'll explain how I got there!
