| 23 March 2009
So, again I borrowed heavily on the combined wit of 46 & Usher (between them they have one). Between the three of us I think we actually got some right!
Anyway: NBA rankings, and different professions as analogies for where they find themselves now.
With Malice's Pawaa Rannkingu
1. LA Lakers (1) - Movie Star: the fame and fortune resides in Hollywood, and everyone wants to be you... and take you down at the same time.
2. Cleveland Cavaliers (2) - Space shuttle navigator: the mission relies on you, without your knowledge and navigation, the ship will just roam the skies aimlessly. Screw up, and the entire thing's just a flaming ball in the sky.
3. Orlando Magic (4) - Nightclub Security: this job requires a big, strong guy... and if he's a no-show things get messy. Still, when he's there, no-one screws with his place of work.
4. Boston Celtics (3) - Garbageman: every day, taking out the trash.
5. Utah Jazz (5) - Loan Collector: Tough and uncompromising. Getting what you're due is what it's all about. If not? Well then, some limbs might have to get broken...
6. Houston Rockets (8) - M.A.S.H. unit medic: all around you... the bloody, wounded and lame. Still, you manage to patch them up well enough to storm the enemy one last time. But will it be enough?
7. San Antonio Spurs (6) - Retirement home orderly: all these old folk around... you're just praying none of them fall over and break a hip.
8. Denver Nuggets (10) - Juvenile prison warden: the job is all about attempting the redemption of a young miscreant.
9. Portland Trail Blazers (7) - Kindergarten teacher: it's all about getting the kids to play nice with each other.
10. New Orleans Hornets (9) - Elevator Repairman: all you do is go up and down all day, fingers crossed - hoping that nothing breaks or it could be disastrous.11. Dallas Mavericks (11) - Bank Tellers: slowly, but surely... becoming obsolete.
12. Atlanta Hawks (13) Bikini Model: you spend most of the time hoping people don’t find out that they aren’t real.
13. Miami Heat (12) - One Man Band: surely this is self-explanatory...
14. Philadelphia 76ers (14) - Wall Street Broker: hit the big bucks at the start but now you'd be wishing that you were more careful with your money.
15. Phoenix Suns (16) - Stripper: a cheap thrill, but costly... additionally always leaving the customer disappointed and wanting more than you are capable of giving.
16. Detroit Pistons (15) - Mechanic: it's all about getting all those parts to work together in one smooth, functioning creation. Problem is, Toyota parts won't work properly in a Ford.
17. Charlotte Bobcats (18) - Limo driver: you get very little respect, and spend your life driving around the rich and famous.
18. Oklahoma City Thunder (19) Intern: always finding a way to screw things up. But you're young, and things'll get better.
19. Chicago Bulls (17) - Weatherman: day in, day out, they continue to get it wrong - yet keep being given yet another chance.
20. Golden State Warriors (21) - Ugly Porn Star: sure, there’s penetration and scoring, but are you really happy with what you’re seeing?
21. New Jersey Nets (20) - Accountant: every year, the same thing over and over and you just cant wait for the next year. But the next year begins, and pretty soon you're wishing yet again for it to be over.
22. Milwaukee Bucks (23) - UFC Fighter: no matter what happens, people get hurt.23. Indiana Pacers (22) - Aging model: sometimes looks good, but most of the time just looks old and tired. Maybe it's time to face facts that you're past your use-by date.
24. New York Knicks (24) - Fortune Teller: hoping that you're right about the future.
25. Memphis Grizzlies (26) Dentist: everytime someone brings up your profession, everyone winces and just thinks “ouch”.
26. Washington Wizards (27) - Broke dot.com millionaire: things were looking good a few years ago, but now it's just a total bust. Spend your time spending money you don't really have, on things that you shouldn't keep.
27. Toronto Raptors (25) - U.N. Secretary: a lot of foreigners to deal with and it is damn hard to get everyone on the same page. Those damn Americans continue to make life tough.
28. LA Clippers (28) - Blogger: spending your life sitting on your ass getting fat and lazy, watching your betters play basketball.
28. LA Clippers (28) - Blogger: spending your life sitting on your ass getting fat and lazy, watching your betters play basketball.
29. Minnesota Timberwolves (29) - IRS Agent: just face it - no-one wants to see you.
30. Sacramento Kings (30) - Sewage worker: working with shit all day, and your job stinks.
Feel free to add your own!
