| 29 January 2009
It's no secret that I'm a big admirer of Darnell Goodman.
The much-maligned wide out has been a staple of With Malice for a while now, and when I heard that he might be available for an interview, well... let's just say I was excited. Was definitely a meeting that I'll put down as a highlight of ... sheesh... I'll be honest here: it'll definitely make my life's highlight reel.
To think... D-Good...
Wow... anyway, the interview:
Here at With Malice, I'm pleased to announce that we've been able to secure an interview with former Heisman trophy winner, Darnell Goodman!
Hi Darnell, really happy that you could leave your busy schedule to take time to talk to me. DG: Yeah, no worries. I always make time for my fans. Especially when they paying me. I'm getting paid for this, right?
Darnell, tell the public - what went through your mind when you won the Heisman?
DG: The same thing that goes through every athlete's mind when they win the Heisman - I really hope they let me into the Latin Quarter with this thing.
That would have to be the highlight of your college sports career - what would rank second?
DG: You kidding me? Forget the Heisman, the highlight of my college career was my greatest catch.
That's right, I'm talking about Candi. She was falling down that stripper pole hard and fast, and I caught her. And lemme tell you, bitch was thick. (laughing) There's a reason they call these the softest hands in the business.
And the 2002 draft night, what was with bringing Flava Flav?
DG: A lotta people see the gold teeth, the diamond studded clock, the harem of bitches by his side, and they get the wrong idea about Flava Flav. People have judged me the same way. But you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover...or a Flav by its Flava. See, Flav was something of a spiritual guru for me through my college years. Mothafucka taught young D-Good everything he knew, from football to the freak-nasty.
Ok, now to the serious issues: what happened Darnell? How did such a promising career go belly-up?
DG: Belly up? Where'd you hear that? Let's just say that my career is more about the belly being down and the ass being up. Next question.
Ummm... ok, sorry about that... Rumor is that you're planning a comeback?
DG: A couple months ago, I found Jesus, and lemme tell you, my life's been different ever since. He got me on the straight and narrow, and now I'm eating right, taking care of my body, and even studying the bible. (pause, smiles) I bet you didn't know how much fucking goes on in the Old Testament. JC calls it procreation, but trust me, it ain't nothing more than a bunch of old dudes named Jacob and Ezekiel tapping that ass. There's a reason they call it "The Good Book."
What's the motivation behind it?
DG: I've always been about spreading things out, whether it's in my bedroom or on the gridiron. And now that teams around the league are using the spread offense effectively, it's time for D-Good to claim the spotlight. I mean, Larry Fitzgerald ain't a bad player, but he got lucky this year. And as for his hair, those ain't nothing more than extensions...JC's tight with Kurt Warner - I get all the dirt.
Recently in an interview, Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid said that "...a 3 legged dog trying to bury a bone on a marble floor would have more success than Darnell Goodman getting back into the NFL." What's your response to Coach Reid?
DG: 3 legged dog? (laughing) What happened, Andy? You get hungry and eat the 4th for a snack?
It's also rumored that you have a substance abuse problem. Is there any truth in that? DG: Hell no. These days I only get high on the weekends. And before I watch Nick at Night.
Recently there have been rumors that you are in a relationship with Allison Stokke. How about those rumors? True
DG: Ali? She really knows how to ride a pole, so yeah, we been spending some time together. But a relationship? Unless she's got a paternity test in her back pocket, we ain't nothing more than friends.
Fantastic to talk to you today Darnell.
DG: For sure. Next time, I'm Tokyo bound I'll keep you posted. JC got me turned onto hamachi, toro, even unagi. Shit is scrumptious.
-----
Now you can see why I was giddy with the possibility of interviewing one of America's truly elite athletes. I remain hopeful that D-Good sees his way back to With Malice at some stage. Truly honoured.
Be good, D-Good.
*****
Darnell Goodman is a sports parody appearing courtesy of Global Sports Fraternity.
Darnell Goodman videos at With Malice:
